For whatever strange twist of fate, Vancouver has a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and it aint just the canvassers. The landlords are afflicted by this religion, as are my wife’s only family here. As such, they have politely declined to come to my son’s fifth birthday party. Now, I apologize in advance for this but… what kind of a fucked up religion is this? I mean, I’m all into tolerance and respect but, what’s the big harm in coming to celebrate another year of life for an innocent child who thinks a big day every year just for him is a fun thing? I’m 32, and I think birthdays are a necessity. It gives you pause to reflect on your life, the past year you have lived, where you are going, and a milestone on the journey towards death. What’s not to goddamned like about birthdays?
Well, before we bash the JW’s, maybe we should take a time out and figure out what all the hullabaloo is about. Eh?
According to Jehovah’s Witness’ theology, God is a single person, not a Trinity, who does not know all things and is not everywhere.
Ok, so far, so good.
At one point, The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society taught that God ruled the universe from somewhere in the Pleiades star system. They have since modified this to say that the “Pleiades can no longer be considered the center of the universe and it would be unwise for us to try to fix God’s throne as being at a particular spot in the universe.
Well… let’s not hold that against them. The Catholics did think that the Earth was flat, and the Hindus thought there was some dude in the centre of the Earth’s molten core.
Throughout history, this true organization had a remnant of faithful Jehovah’s Witnesses (Noah, Abraham, Moses, David, etc.) but it wasn’t until the late 1800’s that Charles Taze Russell formerly began what is now known as the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society which is run out of Brooklyn, New York. This organization claims to be the only true channel of God’s truth on earth today and that it alone can properly interpret God’s word since it is the angel directed, prophet of God on earth.
Start… spreadin the news.
Something, something… part of it…
NEW YORK, NEW YORK!
When it came time for the savior to be born, Michael the Archangel became a human, in the form of Jesus. Jesus grew and kept all the laws of God and never sinned. Finally, when Jesus died, it was not on a cross, but on a torture stake, where he bore the sins of mankind — but this did not include Adam’s sins. Jesus rose from the dead as a spirit, not physically (his body was dissolved and taken by God) and during his visitations to people on earth, he manifested a temporary physical body for them to see and touch. Thus began the true Christian church of Jehovah’s followers.
Aint nothin but a J thang, baby,
He talk some shit cuz he crazy,
That punk Jesus aint gon save me…
When you study with the Jehovah’s Witness, you agree to attend five meetings a week where you are taught from Watchtower literature. You cannot be baptized until you have studied their material for at least six months and have answered numerous questions before a panel of elders. Men are not supposed have long hair or wear beards and women are to dress in modest apparel. They refuse to vote, salute the flag, sing the “Star Spangled Banner, celebrate birthdays or Christmas, won’t take blood transfusions, and they can’t join the armed forces. A schedule of door-to-door canvassing is required where you distribute the Watchtower literature, acquire donations, and forward all monies to the headquarters in Brooklyn, New York.
You can’t celebrate birthdays or Christmas. Un-fucking-believable. Well, okay, I know much of the world goes without Christmas, but what does Brooklyn, New York have to do with telling kids they can’t have birthdays? That’s absolutely ridiculous. Why does religion have to stick it’s nose into something as simple as celebrating the globe spinning around the sun to the same general area that it was located in the Universe when you were born?
When Jesus finally returns physical to earth, which will happen at the time of the Battle of Armageddon, He will set up his earthly 1000 year kingdom. During this 1000 year period, people will be resurrected and have a second chance to receive eternal salvation by following the principles of Jehovah’s Organization on earth known as the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society.
I see Jesus gets to set times and dates and takes note of his bad ass 1,000 year Kingdom, but we’re just supposed to ignore Christmas commercials and the DOB on our driver’s license.
Heaven, however, is a place for a special group of 144,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Great. It’s a goddamned sorority, and life is just one long hazing. No thanks.