Energy Czar Says Human Fat Might Solve U.S. Oil Crisis
Proposes crash program to develop midriff-extraction technology –
Describing obese Americans as “a terrific natural resource,??? Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman today detailed his plan to cut funds that are being wasted on dead-end wind and solar projects, and use the money instead on liposuction.
“Our plus-size citizens are a marvelous source of natural, God-given energy,??? Secretary Bodman told a cheering crowd at Falwell University. “And now is the time to harvest the bounty they have been producing for us.???
“Unlike the flesh of those dinosaurs, who turned into oil 6,000 years ago,??? Bodwell explained, “human body fat is a totally renewable energy resource. All we have to do is collect it from patriotic Americans who don’t really have a use for it anyway.???
Bodwell proposed a farsighted, pervasive program that would de-regulate liposuction, taking it out of the hands of price-gouging licensed medical practitioners and making it available, without charge, at gasoline filling stations.
“This program naturally fits the lifestyles and needs of our people,??? Bodman said. Americans want to eat, they want to be thin, and they want to drive their cars and heat or cool their houses. Fat is fuel. Why waste energy walking it around when we could suck it out and use it to solve our energy problems????
When asked if producers of gasoline could be trusted with invasive surgical procedures designed to decrease our reliance on their primary product, gasoline, Bodman laughed. “Did you ever notice,??? he asked, “that some of my friends are from Texas????
Besides, he said, “attendants at gasoline filling stations have a lot of free time. When was the last time one of them filled your tank????
Secretary Bodman was particularly proud of the new ad campaign the Energy Department had drawn up for the fat-to-fuel program.
“It’s people!??? Bodman shouted. “I think Charlton Heston will help us with that one.???
In other news, The Swift Boat Veterans For Truth went on the offensive again yesterday, accusing Senator John Kerry of fabricating The Vietnam War.
Richard Galli
The Galli Report
better than news any day
http://www.gallireport.com