White House vows retaliation over potentially-viable-hostage-taking

The Bush administration descended into doctrinal chaos yesterday, as insurgents in Iraq made good on their promise to pursue the production of stem cells, while neo-conservatives in the White House searched for a way to obliterate the laboratories without harming any of the goo.

“Stem cell research may lead to cures for many illnesses and disabilities,??? a masked insurgency spokesman said in a video press release broadcast over the internet. “It is the mother of all cash cows. This will bring more money than the drugs we produce in Afghanistan. It’s even better than oil.???

The insurgency pledged that stem cell labs would be set up in secret subterranean hardened bunkers throughout the country. And it said that projects are already underway, staffed by highly skilled American-educated Iranian doctors, many of whom have recently returned to the Middle East with their children but without their wives, who turned out to be expensive to maintain and impossible to control.

“We are aware of the threat to those stem cells and are considering measured steps to meet it,??? Donald Rumsfeld told reporters at an afternoon press conference. “And by measured, I mean we are considering the most dreadful damn steps we can think of that we haven’t already tried.???

President Bush reacted vigorously to the news that stem cells were at risk in Iraq.

“Stems cells are life,??? he said. “They are alive. They are things that are alive that have life, and could someday become living people, or component parts of living people, if they are not already.???

One terrified reporter who was at the press conference said Bush seemed to be working out his policy right there on the podium, with cameras running and spectators weeping.

“Ours is a culture of life,??? Bush continued. “Not like the Iraqis, who hate us for our freedom…???

“You mean the insurgents,??? one of his Secret Service bodyguards said, nudging him.

“Yes, right,??? Bush continued, apparently thankful for the helpful hint. “We are a culture of life, or have a life-full culture, and we will do anything to preserve and protect life, in the form of stem cells, if not people, including if necessary dropping bunker-busting nuclear missiles on every square inch of that country where we think people might be holding stem cells against their will, or at least mine.???

When asked if saving stem cells represented yet another shift in the rationale for the war in Iraq, Bush disagreed, saying that the reasons for going to war in Iraq have always been part of God’s plan, which unfortunately he could no longer reveal, in view of its “Top Secret??? re-classification on Tuesday.

In other news, on Wall Street the value of stock in Halliburton Industries rose sharply today as investors reacted to the announcement that Halliburton had developed a powerful new bunker-busting bomb made from weapons-grade stem cells.

Richard Galli
The Galli Report
http://www.gallireport.com